Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
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As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys