the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
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Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib