My background check bounced.
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The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Noah
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.