Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
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The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
buying dead houseplants to save time
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business