The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
You Might Also Like
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Hello Twits.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.