Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
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Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Erm I’m gonna say no
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?