First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
You Might Also Like
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.