If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
You Might Also Like
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Don’t we all.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.