how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
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Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
man i love columbo
Goodnight 🐶
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.