I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces