The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
You Might Also Like
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
(yawn)
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised