[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
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[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
they split up moments later
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Just grow your own
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched