That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
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I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
This kid will have a bright future.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
who called it hell and not heaven’t