Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
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Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I think about this a lot
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”