“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
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[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.