Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
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So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..