[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
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men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color