banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
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I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
He’s cranky this morning
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Saturday
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
how was your vacation
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great