she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
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sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.