7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
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NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
not for long
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
eating my hot dog hamburger style
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
wut hotdog?
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My love language is deader than Latin
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.