I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
You Might Also Like
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.