Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
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I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me