Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
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knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”