[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
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…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home