*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
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I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt