I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
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Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.