I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Got ya covered
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”