I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
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When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Put the is in disheveled
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible