Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
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Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I have a black belt in leather
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder