ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
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This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
FINE, I WON’T.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos