toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
You Might Also Like
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser