Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
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I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.