One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
You Might Also Like
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Dear Lord..
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope