So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
You Might Also Like
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
*skinny dips into black hole
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing