If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
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People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”