The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
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Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Livid.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”