snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
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*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
guys i’ve cracked the code
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
🤣🤣
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*