[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
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The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
He took my last fry, your honor
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.