Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
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Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.