I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (鉂わ笍) and I can do dinosaur (馃), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
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Who did it better?
$4 #usedbooks
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn鈥檛 know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven鈥檛 stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just 拢5.99.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I鈥檓 so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they鈥檙e all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It鈥檚 not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Me: [in kitchen] today we鈥檙e going to replace my wife鈥檚 coffee with a live badger, let鈥檚 see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Friday night party time 馃コ