They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
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There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]