super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
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Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Aight bet
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?