When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
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Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Made something I’m not proud of
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.