Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
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if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle