Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
You Might Also Like
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably