“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
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I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
This 4th of July, please remember…
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.