wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
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I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
And that about sums it up.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
In banana years, I am bread.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Duolingo getting serious.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]