*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
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the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.