[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
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TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.