Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
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I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary